TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Of course, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town historically known for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Huge!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the putting inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely out of position. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour till the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, positive, let's have One more position where by American Males can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: offer Anyone a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is gentle ability," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each individual unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It truly is that he should end applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the job, replied, "You realize, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Terrific tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from House, a element currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It is not merely hideous. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Characteristics


Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:



    Trump Tower Damascus

  • A silent atrium where friends may perhaps contemplate vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Local Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "If You Bomb It, They'll Come"


The advert marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is For good."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "in which's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is now attracting consideration from international traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort exactly where my PTSD can have flip-down services."


Yet another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories recommend:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

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